Depression and Cancerversary
Depression is such a beast! Sadly (ha) with depression, there are also reminders that can trigger an increase in depression. Some of those reminders can be called the "anniversary effect". A day that your mind or body remembers to cause you to remember something traumatic that happened to you. The death of someone you love, an injury, something to do with combat, an illness...
So, I had my cancerversary. February 8. But oddly, it wasn't just that date that hit me. It was January 29 that hit me (the date we found the tumors). It was February 1 (when I went for the mammogram). It was February 3 (when I had the biopsies). It was February 5 (when my doctor's office called, twice). Then it was February 8.
But as you grow older, there are more and more of those dates that come! My brother-in-law Bruces birthday and then the date he died. My mom's birth and death day, my dad's, my brothers, my mother-in-law, father-in-law... the list goes on. Days that things were said to me that broke my heart. Days that dreams died.
Maybe you've had those days too. It's horrible. It's hard. But what do you do? Those days are going to come. It doesn't matter what you do. They come.
Psychology today has recommendations (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-yourself/201609/5-ways-deal-anniversary-reactions). They say to prepare, be aware and commemorate those days. But as you grow older, sometimes that list grows longer! Personally, I can't spend half the year doing this crap!
So how have I dealt. I've talked about it. I've cried about it. I've just decided to accept that it's part of life and just roll my eyes.
I've had a lot of these things in my life. They SUCK!!! I feel down and sad. Then of course I eat. Because my feelings have taste. Lately they've tasted like Entemann's Raspberry Danish Twist. Sometimes like Skinny Pop, but also chocolate. I'm on my meds. But it's dark out and cold out. It's so hard!
Life is hard. I finally had to admit to my husband I couldn't have gone much further. Something was going to crack if I had not gone back on my SSRI, Wellbutrin. I was either going to attempt suicide or was going to be in bed all day every day.
( I am saying this hoping that you will not judge me. This is a safe place, or at least I intend it to be, where I will not be judged. It is an honest place. )
I was so down. I look back as though scales have been removed from my eyes. But oddly, now that I am past that place again... I still can feel depression breathing in my ear. Telling me that it is still on the journey with me. Telling me another anniversary is coming. How will you deal with that one? A photo of a dog comes up... does that depress you Sara? Your dad's birthday was last month... how do you feel? Your daughter is going to move to New York City... is that ok? I can say I'm at a good place. I know another anniversary is coming. It's cool. I'll deal with it. I may be sad, but it's ok. Yes I still miss my dog (dogs). I'm still very sad about that. But know what? I'm ALLOWED to be sad. I know my dad's birthday came and went without him here. It's happened for over 20 years with my mom... it will be 15 for my grandma... I've dealt with it. I'm ok now. I still miss them. I miss my grandma so much it still hurts, but it's part of life. Yes, my daughter is going to move to NYC. But know what? If she DIDN'T move, I would kick her butt! She HAS to go! She has spent almost 20 years of her life studying dance! She has to go try!!! I say all these things back to depression. I tell it that I know it's there but that God is in control and has given ME control as well! That I can see depression now and can tell him to go away. I know it's here, but I don't need the nudges.
See that's the thing with depression. It thinks that you forget that it is part of your journey. How can you forget when these anniversaries pop up? When new situations pop up? When LIFE pops up? I can't forget... but what I CAN do, is like psychology today suggests. I prepare, I'm aware and I commemorate.
So, I had my cancerversary. February 8. But oddly, it wasn't just that date that hit me. It was January 29 that hit me (the date we found the tumors). It was February 1 (when I went for the mammogram). It was February 3 (when I had the biopsies). It was February 5 (when my doctor's office called, twice). Then it was February 8.
But as you grow older, there are more and more of those dates that come! My brother-in-law Bruces birthday and then the date he died. My mom's birth and death day, my dad's, my brothers, my mother-in-law, father-in-law... the list goes on. Days that things were said to me that broke my heart. Days that dreams died.
Maybe you've had those days too. It's horrible. It's hard. But what do you do? Those days are going to come. It doesn't matter what you do. They come.
Psychology today has recommendations (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-yourself/201609/5-ways-deal-anniversary-reactions). They say to prepare, be aware and commemorate those days. But as you grow older, sometimes that list grows longer! Personally, I can't spend half the year doing this crap!
So how have I dealt. I've talked about it. I've cried about it. I've just decided to accept that it's part of life and just roll my eyes.
I've had a lot of these things in my life. They SUCK!!! I feel down and sad. Then of course I eat. Because my feelings have taste. Lately they've tasted like Entemann's Raspberry Danish Twist. Sometimes like Skinny Pop, but also chocolate. I'm on my meds. But it's dark out and cold out. It's so hard!
Life is hard. I finally had to admit to my husband I couldn't have gone much further. Something was going to crack if I had not gone back on my SSRI, Wellbutrin. I was either going to attempt suicide or was going to be in bed all day every day.
( I am saying this hoping that you will not judge me. This is a safe place, or at least I intend it to be, where I will not be judged. It is an honest place. )
I was so down. I look back as though scales have been removed from my eyes. But oddly, now that I am past that place again... I still can feel depression breathing in my ear. Telling me that it is still on the journey with me. Telling me another anniversary is coming. How will you deal with that one? A photo of a dog comes up... does that depress you Sara? Your dad's birthday was last month... how do you feel? Your daughter is going to move to New York City... is that ok? I can say I'm at a good place. I know another anniversary is coming. It's cool. I'll deal with it. I may be sad, but it's ok. Yes I still miss my dog (dogs). I'm still very sad about that. But know what? I'm ALLOWED to be sad. I know my dad's birthday came and went without him here. It's happened for over 20 years with my mom... it will be 15 for my grandma... I've dealt with it. I'm ok now. I still miss them. I miss my grandma so much it still hurts, but it's part of life. Yes, my daughter is going to move to NYC. But know what? If she DIDN'T move, I would kick her butt! She HAS to go! She has spent almost 20 years of her life studying dance! She has to go try!!! I say all these things back to depression. I tell it that I know it's there but that God is in control and has given ME control as well! That I can see depression now and can tell him to go away. I know it's here, but I don't need the nudges.
See that's the thing with depression. It thinks that you forget that it is part of your journey. How can you forget when these anniversaries pop up? When new situations pop up? When LIFE pops up? I can't forget... but what I CAN do, is like psychology today suggests. I prepare, I'm aware and I commemorate.
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